Ask M2M: What age to get married?

This week's Ask M2M question is from Sherika.

Q: What do you think is a great age to get married? I was curious because I am 18 years old and I start University this fall as a freshman. I sometimes worry that I may not wait long enough to my wedding night. I do not know what to do. I am a very independent-minded girl and I want to to depend on my own for a while; however, I do not want to fall into sin and make any mistakes. I will be studying in a new city, so I do not know how the Muslim men are there. The ones I do know are not faithful at all. So, what should I do? Also, what could I do to keep sin away form me and off my mind?

A: Shukran for your question Sherika. Marriage is very important and alhamdulilah it completes half of our deen. We understand the desire to complete school and be an "independent" woman, however, if you feel that you would fall into sin, we advise you to get married as soon as possible. If you have found someone who would be a good match for you, you should marry them if you feel you would not be able to wait until you get married. Three things that you rush into to are marriage, shahaadah and burial.

If you do decide to get married, it is also important to mention that marriage is a major decision and it's not something to be taken lightly. If you get married you will have to be in school (which is a lot to handle by itself), be a wife and maybe even a mother. This would be a lot for any woman to deal with especially a young woman such as yourself.

We advise that you make istakhara prayer for guidance on whether or not to get married soon and also to fast in order to help you lower your gaze.

"O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." (Bukhari)

As usual share your comments, opinions and/or naseeha(advice)!!!

Asalaamu alaikum

Najwa & Nadira

The Third Side of the Coin

Prologue :

The trend started 15 years ago, but at that time it was limited to very needy families whose women had to do manual, factory work in small industries. The more educated, but financially troubled ones opted for teaching. The upper class usually did their learning and job abroad. Just 10 years ago it was noticed that 50% of the girls bagged top positions in matric board exams. With each passing year the percentage increased. Gradually the same batch of matriculate girls became toppers in intermediate exams. Girls ruled education everywhere and high hopes were pinned on them to progress further- while being offered a freedom of choice by their families. And now, in this 21st century, from doctors to MBAs, door to door sellers to front desk officers, cultured bankers to pilots, hardly any field is left untouched!
On the front this seems like good progress, but if we look at the bigger picture, aren’t we missing something? A society full of female workers- will it be an Islamic society? Or a balanced one? Even the broad minded, completely accommodating West had reservations to the Feminist movement launched for equal rights of female folks esp. for the working women. In an Islamic country where a woman cannot head an organization, a female leader was elected PM twice and same goes for Bangladesh, but do we see such example in US or UK elected govt.?Let’s dive deep into the pool of emancipation surrounded by an Islamic state.
The Story ~!~

Most girls pass out of their Grad schools, studying in co-education, confident and focused about their careers and future life. Since a lot of money has been spent on their graduation expenses, they want to make it up to their parent’s financial efforts, at least before their marriage. They strive hard for a job and quickly land a reasonable one. With the first 3 salaries, comes a brand new mobile, a drastic change in wardrobe, from the push-cart stock to branded cotton, and the drawing room furniture goes on the verge of a make-over to invite office colleagues. After the firstyear the girl decides she can no longer wake up early for office van or come back late in taxis. A new 800CC car is brought on installments. 2 years pass by and the girl starts investing in bonds, certificates and plots etc., to rent or buy later. The fulfillment of her small dreams, keep egging her to pin hopes on higher ones.
2 more years down the road and she starts having status clash with the residents of her middle class locality. A flat in the posh district becomes her target. With the easy house-financing offered by banks and a bank balance of 4-5 lacs she could actually sell their house and start living in a flat. And then one day they move out, never to look back to their locality or neighbors - sometimes even relatives. Everything becomes a ‘story of the past’- a skeleton in the closet- that is securely looked with the key thrown away.

She is now 26. The proposals start flooding in and her mom starts getting conscious of her age factor. The girl however, had been dreaming of a grand living and a status uplift by marrying in a higher class, but their family was still shackled by their backgrounds and the posh proposals could sense the difference just by talking to her parents and eventually backed out. Soon she got married to an upper-middle family, against her wishes. The guy earned slightly above her pay-scale and owned a family car. From a flat that she owned with the master bedroom to herself she went into a joint family system with a double bedroom as her only property! Feeling claustrophobic and pressurized, she now applied for a better job. Backed by her experience, she started earning more than her husband. Their status difference became more conspicuous and so did her frustration for not getting her dream life. They could not yet afford a maid and she did not have time for household chores after her very demanding new job. She expected her husband to help her with it or at least look after his personal things himself.The joint family pressures were building up from all around as eyebrows got raised at the couple’s division of homework. They decided to move out. Another apartment bought on lease by her after selling out the property she had been investing in since the past 6 years. This meant total rule on her part. She owned the house and the bills were shared.
Five years down the road, 2 kids had bounced in their lives and life took an ugly turn when her husband lost his stable yet non-managerial job, as a result of downsizing. She was however progressing gradually, becoming the HR manager of her company, being offered a brand new 1000CC car and other fringe benefits. On the other hand, while going on job hunts through websites, her husband became a domestic father. In the absence of an all-time available mother, the children became more attached to the father and also spoilt to some extent. She considered herself almost free of child rearing duties as she was financially supporting the household and expected her husband to adjust to this role-reversal.
After 2 long years, he finally got the job. From then on, they never had a good night’s sleep. Who was to look after the children? Who would provide pick and drop? Look after their studies? Who to leave them to? She had become pretty dominating by then. The children grew up seeing a passive decision power of their father, which earned him their sympathy and little respect. While the dominating and alienating attitude of their mother earned her neither their respect nor sympathy- even though she toiled each day as a woman in a man’s world; only for them.
A woman who had to face office politics at work simply because she was hard-working and intelligent enough to take the managerial positions from right under the nose of senior colleagues;
A woman who compromised her femininity by choosing to be a daughter who supports her father and family;
A woman who traded her dreams by marrying below her expectations; A woman who lived in a joint family system, supporting her husband financially and still opting for motherhood.
Yet, a woman who only lapsed on the designated duties of a full-time mother? What went wrong?
Who was to lose and how much? What was there to lose in the heavy bargain?
A girl who compromised the best days of her to life to secure a bright future, got what in return? A domesticated husband, detached children and her own frustrated soul? Was this the future she dreamt of?
Post Script
As Muslims, we all claim to keep away from the forbidden boundaries of ‘haram’, but what about the ones that are not so clear? That are left on our discretion to draw and abide by? Man and woman were not created equal and are not designated with equal tasks by the Almighty. It is not forbidden for them to work shoulder to shoulder with men (as the wives of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) did help the Sahabas in gathering Ahadith and Sunnah). But at the same time it is not preferred. That boundary is left to us. Extending it, stretching it by emphasizing that Shariah does not forbid it “It’s not haram”, “It’s the need of the hour for a working couple to live in times of recession”- is actually playing with the boundaries given to us to accommodate our needs and wants.

Humans- male or females- are drawn towards the luxuries of life; grand living, freedom of choice. We are also prone to greed and corruption, mentally and monetarily. When Islam talks about or promotes a woman working safely in the boundaries of her home, it actually promulgates a satisfied female who is apt for this job more than man; a woman who is the Queen of her Empire- everyday, not getting disrespected by males in the ugly world outside.Islam talks about the woman’s whole life. It does not emphasize temporary pleasure, in this case, the facilities she enjoys as a happily earning female, working shoulder to shoulder with men and changing her future lifestyle to accommodate her aspirations.
One woman, 10 women and then 60% of the population is enough to bring about women revolution in the country that has promoted a hi-fi culture ranging from club memberships to mobile late night packages for women, lawn extravaganzas, shopping malls, face uplift treatments, brand culture, kitty parties etc. to flaunt your stuff at. It has also promoted freedom of youth in a negative way because of unattended upbringing and high media influence. One woman, one mother and one thought changes all!As Napoleon Bonaparte says, “Give me a good mother, I will give you a good nation” and “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”. A mother plays a great role in shaping the future of a nation. It is also said that, ‘if you educate a mother, you educate the whole nation’.
I am not against an educated, working mother, but doing job for the sake of your careers and actually believing that focusing on child nurturing will rust away your talents; reasoning that quality time wins over quantity time while thinking your kids will be cared for by their nannies till you return home is sheer folly! The channels they switch on, the mobiles they have, the feelings they hide when moving towards adolescence can only be monitored with your undivided love. Remember, you give birth to your children not your products or services. Your parent company can fire you, but you can’t abandon your kids. Your job evaluation gives you an A+ rating, but your children judge you negatively in the long run. Is that all worth it?

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So, what do you think about this article? Do you think that having a career can be a bad thing? Do you think that women who are home makers or domestic engineers are wasting their time? do you think that women who have careers are wasting their time? Is it better for Muslim women to work or stay at home? Which one do you do?

Asalaamu alaikum

Najwa & Nadira

Keeping Your Marriage Fresh With the "Five Senses Rule"

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect."

(Quran: Ar-Rum 21)

1. Sight- Always beautify yourself. Make sure your clothing is nice, your hair is done and your makeup looks just right (if you wear it).

2. Hearing- Always greet your hubby with a sweet voice and leave any bad news for later. Never speak in a loud, boisterous manner. Don't try to engage is gossip or trivial conversations. Keep positive, Islamic conversations going and things that your hubby has interest in. Leave the other stuff for your girlfriends.

3. Touch- Make sure your body, your bedsheets are nice to the touch. This could mean shaving your legs or using a nice moisturizer. Using downy softener sheets or changing to Egyptian cotton or satin.

4. Smell- Never have a bad smell in the house. While you cook, be sure to open the windows and afterwards be sure to light a candle, burn oils or incense, or spray a room freshener. Also, change your clothes if you have been cooking meat or onions. Make sure you keep up your hygiene and make a habit of brushing your teeth and spraying perfume on the back of your neck, behind your ears and any other place you can think of before bed. ;-)

5. Taste- Try new recipes for variety and master the dishes he enjoys the most. Be sure that dinner is always ready before he makes it home. No man likes to come home on an empty stomach only to find nothing waiting for him on the stove.
what things would YOU add to this? what do YOU do to keep your hubby happy???

Asalaamu alaikum

Nadira & Najwa

Ask M2M: Wait to Wear Hijab???

Sorry for delay in posting this weeks question. If you have a question send it to mail@muslimah2muslimah.com and it might be your question we answer on Sunday.

Our first Ask M2M question is from Kamilah, she asks:

Q: I'm 16 and was planning on waiting till marriage to wear a hijab, is that wrong?

A: Alhamdulilah we are happy to hear that you plan on wearing hijab. With that said you want to start observing hijab right away. You should start wearing hijab when you reach puberty. Abu Dawood narrates that `Aishah (raa) said: "Asmaa' the daughter of Abu Bakr (raa) came to see the Messenger of Allah (saw) wearing a thin dress; so Allah's Messenger (saw) turned away from her and said: O Asmaa', once a woman reaches the age of menstruation, no part of her body should be seen but this and that" and he pointed to his face and hands.

We have to be mindful that everything we do in this life should be fisibilillah(for the sake of Allah). Insha' Allah start wearing hijab now because it's what we are commanded to do by Allah(swt) as Muslimahs. You don't want to wait and do it because your married/for your husband.

Hijab is a source of protection for Muslimahs and it's something that once you start wearing it you will never want to go back. A good rule of thumb is to dress how you do for salah(prayer) all the time. If you cover for salah/to go to the masjid then this is how we should dress at all times.

May Allah make wearing hijab easy for you and all muslimahs - ameen

As usual any comments and words of advice/encouragement are welcome!!!

Asalaamu alaikum

Nadira & Najwa

Friends.....How many of us have them?

Who we choose as our friends/companions is a serious decision that is not to be taken lightly. We should want friends who are on the same path as us and want the same things out of life that we do. Our ultimate goal is to do things fisibilillah(for the sake of Allah). It is our responsibly to make sure that we are careful with who we take as our close friends.

Most importantly we should make sure that our friends/companions are other Muslimahs. You want a friend who encourages the good(halal/permissible) and discourages the bad(haraam/forbidden). Another Muslimah will remind you when it's time to offer salah, encourage proper hijab, help you in constantly remembering Allah(swt). When we are around other Muslimahs we consistently dhikr(remember) Allah(swt). For example how we greet each other, when we sneeze, yawn, begin to do something. etc. These are just a few of the many benefits of having other Muslimahs as our close friends.

You may have been reading this and thinking to yourself "All my friends are Muslimahs so I don't have anything to worry about". In a perfect world this would be true but we also have to make sure that our fellow Muslimahs are on the same page with us as well. In a friendship you want someone who will pull you up not push down. A friend will encourage you to go to Islamic classes on the weekend instead of letting your time waste away on the dunya(worldly matters). A friend will help you find a husband the halal way, not encourage you to date/have a boyfriend. A friend will not talk about her friends(backbiting), she will remind you that when you backbite another it's like eating the flesh of your sister. The point is they will be a good influence on you and help you lead a successful life in this world that will insha' Allah lead to a successful life in the akhira.

Below is proof(daleel) from Quran and Hadith on the importance of being careful who we choose as our companions.

And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another, they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong (9:71)

Allah the Exalted says in the Quran: "And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer will bite his hands and say: Woe to me! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Woe to me! If only I had not taken so- and- so as a friend! He has led me astray from this Reminder (the Quran) after it had come to me." [25:27-29].

O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, in deeds some suspicions are sins. And spy not neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear God, verily, God is the one who accepts repentance, Most Merciful. (49: 12)

The Prophet(saw) said: "Man is influenced by the faith of his friends. Therefore, be careful of whom you associate with." - Abu Dawood & Tirmidhi

In another Hadith, Prophet(saw) said: "The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows (respectively). So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith's bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him." - Bukhari & Muslim

The Prophet(saw) said: "Help your brother whether he is a wrong-doer or is wronged". A man enquired: 'O Messenger of Allah (saw) , I may help him when he is wronged, but how can I help him when he is a wrong-doer? ' The Prophet (saw) said ' You can prevent him from wrong-doing. That will be your help to him" - Bukhari & Muslim

May Allah(swt) bless us all with companions who help us stay on the siratul mustaqeem(the straight path) - ameen

Anything we have said right is from Allah(swt) anything we have said wrong is from us.

Love for the sake of Allah

Asalaamu alaikum

Nadira & Najwa

Okay, So He's An Attractive, Single Muslim Brother...

I wonder if he is single or is he married? Is he a match for me? Wouldn't we make such a dashing Muslim couple!?!?

This a dilemma many single Muslimahs have quite often. However, society tells us that the man should approach the woman, or in Islamic standards, the Wali. What about the Muslimahs who spot a brother she is interested in? Do they just sit back and pray that he makes the move?

During the days of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), women approached men quite often for marriage. As a matter of fact, it is noted that when he was 25 years old, Muhammad (SAW)received a marriage proposal from a wealthy Meccan woman, Khadījah bint al-Khuwaylid, whose affairs he was conducting.

But nowadays it seems rather taboo for a sister to approach a brother regarding marriage. So, what is a sister to do???

What are YOUR opinions on this? Would you approach a brother you were interested in? If so, how would you go about doing it? Would you send your wali after him?

Asalaamu alaikum

Najwa & Nadira

Muslimah2Muslimah

"The Early Morning After..."

Okay, so this one is for all of us married girls out there... You and your hubby had *fun* last night and now it is time for Fajr prayer... So, you get up, take a shower, make wudu and make salat. Cool... all is well right? You have done your duties for your husband and your Lord... now you can go on about your day. Well, not so fast there, sister! Did you take a shower or did you make a ghusl? A ghusl is the purification that is obligatory after intercourse.

How Ghusl Is Performed:

According to the practice of the Prophet, upon whom be peace, the correct manner of performing ghusl is:

1. wash both hands three times,

2. wash the private parts,

3. make a complete wudu (ablution) like the one made for prayer.

4. rub water through one's hair three times, letting the water reach down to the roots of the hair, (yes, girls...this means ruining that perfect hairdo!)

5. pour water over the entire body, begining with the right side, then the left, washing under the armpits, inside the ears, inside the navel, inside the toes and whatever part of the body can be easily rubbed. This account is based on the following report from 'Aishah:

"When the Prophet, upon whom be peace, took his bath after
sexual intercourse, he would begin by washing his hands. Then he would
pour water from his right hand to his left and wash his sexual organs,
make the ablution for prayer, take some water and put his fingers to the
roots of his hair to the extent that he sees that the skin is wet, then
pour water over his head three times and then over the rest of his
body." -Related by al-Bukhari and Muslim.

Ghusl For Women:

A woman performs ghusl just as a man does, except that if she has plaited hair she does not have to undo it, provided that the water can reach the roots of her hair. Umm Salamah said,

"O Messenger of Allah, I am a woman who has closely plaited hair on my head. Do
I have to undo them for ghusl after sexual intercourse?" He said, "No, it is
enough for you to throw three handfuls of water on your head and then pour water
over yourself. After doing this, you shall be cleansed." Related by Ahmad,
Muslim and at-Tirmidhi

So, considering the fact that we all have to wash our hair COMPLETELY with water on "the early morning after", what should we, as Muslimahs do with our hair? Should we blow hundreds of dollars on our hair like many of us may have done during our single days just to ruin it the same night? Do we always have a low-maintenance (and less sexy) ponytail? Do we shave our heads? Anyhow, that is OUR rant for the day... What is YOUR ghusl rant?

Najwa & Nadira

Muslimah2Muslimah

Bridesmaids and Music at a Muslim Wedding???

We have been to many Islamic weddings and we have seen many different themes. We see the bride dressed in Indian dresses, traditional white gowns, Abayas, African gowns, some with the woman absent for the nikah (ceremony) and present for the walimah (reception/ marriage feast). The groom usually goes with the flow of the theme: tuxedo and tie for the traditional western theme, kurta suits for the Indian theme, Grande Buba for the African theme, and a thobe for the low-key Islamic theme.

Okay, so the question is; Which way is the Islamic way and how much time, energy and money should we put into our weddings? Should we have bridesmaids? Should we have groomsmen? Should we have a first dance and music? Should we provide alcohol for our non-Muslim guests? Should my dowry be big or small?

The Arabic word Walima (marriage feast) is derived from the root word Walam, which literally means to gather and assemble. The Arabs used it for a meal or feast where people were invited and gathered. Later, the term became exclusive for the wedding banquet.

The Arabs used different terms for the various feasts they enjoyed. For example: al-I’zar on the occasion of a child’s circumcision, al-Khurs for a marriage not ending in divorce, al-Wakira on building a new home, al-Naqi’ah when a traveller returns home, al-Aqiqah on the seventh day after childbirth, al-Ma’duba for a general meal without any specific reason, etc.

The marriage feast (walima) is a Sunna of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him & give him peace). It is an outward expression of gratitude and pleasure and a great means of publicising the marriage, which has been greatly encouraged.

Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Prophet Muhammad(Allah bless him & give him peace) saw a yellow mark on Abdur Rahman ibn Awf (Allah be pleased with) and said: “What’s this?” He replied: “I have married a woman with the dowry being gold to the weight of a date-stone.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “May Allah bless you (in your marriage), perform a Walima, even if it is only with a goat.” (Sahih al-Bukhari,no. 4872)

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) himself provided a Walima after many of his marriages. He provided meat and bread on the occasion of his marriage with Zaynab bint Jahsh (Allah be pleased with her), Hays (a type of sweet-dish cooked with dates, cheese & butter) on the occasion of his marriage with Safiyya (Allah be pleased with her) and barley on another occasion. (See: Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)

Thus, it is a Sunna and strongly recommended to have a Walima.

The Time of Walima:

The scholars have disagreed as to the correct time of this Walima. There are many opinions. For example:

1) At the time of the marriage contract,

2) After the marriage contract and before consummation of marriage,

3) At the time of the wedding procession (bride leaving for her husband’s house) (Ibn Hajar, Fath al-Bari, 9/287)

However, the majority of the scholars (jumhur) are of the opinion that Walima is a meal that is prepared after the marriage has been consummated. This was the practice of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), as explicitly mentioned in one narration.

Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that he was a boy of ten when the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) migrated to Madina. (He added): “My mother and aunts used to urge me to serve the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) regularly, thus I served him for ten years. When the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) passed away, I was twenty years old, and I knew about the order of Hijab more than anyone else, when it was revealed. It was revealed for the first time when the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) had consummated his marriage with Zainab bint Jahsh (Allah be pleased with her). The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) in the morning was a bridegroom, and he invited the people to a banquet. So they came, ate, and then all left except a few who remained with the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) for a long time….. (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 4871)

Sayyiduna Anas (Allah be pleased with him) said: “The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) consummated his marriage with a woman (Zainab), so he sent me to invite people for a meal.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 4875)

The great Hadith master (hafidh), Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“The Hadith of Anas (quoted above) is clear in determining that Walima is considered to be after the consummation of marriage.” (Fath al-Bari, 9/199. Also see: I’la al-Sunan, vol. 10, p. 11)

It is stated in al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya:

“The marriage banquet (walima) is a Sunna and there is great reward in it. And it is carried out when the marriage is consummated.” (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 5/343)

Having said this, scholars mention that there is also scope in following the other opinions, thus if one had a Walima before consummation, it is hoped that one will gain the reward of Sunna.

How many days?
The Hanafi jurists (fuqaha) are of the opinion that, a banquet up to two days will be considered to be a Walima, after which it will no longer be considered a Walima.

It is stated in al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya:

“There is nothing wrong in inviting people the next day after consummation or the day after. After that, marriage and Walima celebrations will come to an end.” (5/343)

It has also been reported from the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) that he stated: “Walima on the first day is confirmed (haq), and on the second day, it is good (ma’ruf), and on the third day, it is showing off.” (Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 3738)

Although scholars mention that if there is a need, such as not being able to invite everybody on one day, then it will not be wrong to invite them on separate days.

Simplicity:

Finally, it should be remembered that, the simpler the Walima (and the marriage ceremony as a whole) is kept, the better it will be. At times, people spend thousands upon thousands in feeding people, a sum which can be used for other indispensable needs of the Muslims. And if the intention behind spending such an amount is to show-off, then this will be regarded a grave sin.

The idea here is to feed people with sincerity and simplicity. If one feeds people the simplest of meals but from the heart, then that is far better (and the food is also more enjoyable) than feeding them quality food, where the intention is not so sincere.

Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “The most blessed marriage (nikah) is the one with the least expenses.” (al-Bayhaqi in his Shu’ab al-Iman & Mishkat al-Masabih).

Excerpts taken from: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari Darul Iftaa

Najwa& Nadira

Muslimah2Muslimah

Muslim Boyfriend?????

Dating in Islam is an oxymoron, there is no such thing! It's like saying frozen hot chocolate. There are no boyfriends or girlfriends as far as Islam is concerned. This doesn't mean that it doesn't happen this just means that it shouldn't. So I know your like, if I can't date him how do I really get to know the brother that I want to marry?

Well I'm glad you asked, alhumdulilah Allah(swt) has given us guidelines to follow so that we can keep everything on a lawful note. So first things first make sure that you have your standards and know what you are willing to except in your mind first. If you meet a brother and he asks you for YOUR number, he might not be the brother for you. You want a brother who wants to do things the right way and has enough respect for you and himself from jump that he wouldn't even try you like that. It seems simple an innocent, just a phone conversation but even a conversation can lead you into things that you shouldn't do. You talk to the brother, you crack jokes, you start to feel comfortable with him and then he says "why don't we hang out and meet up sometime?". Now this can lead up to you spending time alone with him. If a brother is trying to spend time alone you, it's not a good look.


Whenever a man is alone with a women the shaytan makes the third. (Tirmidhi)


A Muslim man is still a man and eventually you may end up doing things that you know you shouldn't. Avoid this situation and you won't be tempted or end up making a decision that you regret. This is why you should have your Wali in place. Your Wali truly is your protection. If your a revert like me, your Wali can be your Imam or trusted brother in your community. He keeps that brother in line and makes sure that everything is done on the up and up.Not only that but we are women and once you start to like a brother you might catch feelings and not notice some of the red flags. Your Wali is looking out for your best interest and is not going to be blinded by how cute the brother is.

You can have a "sit down" with a brother with you Wali present and ask all of the very important questions(we posted a blog with plenty of questions to ask and questions that you should be prepared to answer). When you are asking these question make sure that you are being honest. This is your way of getting to know each other. Don't just say what you think the brother wants to hear. If he asks you if you can cook, don't say yes if can't even boil water! When you get married he's going to expect you to follow through on what you said. Don't say you wear overgarment and niqab if you don't because he's gonna want to know where all that is when you leave the house without hijab. Be honest so that both know what you are signing up for because once your married you have both signed on that dotted line.

Now if you want to have the "dating" experience you can out as long as you are chaperoned. This means you have your Wali present or someone who is looking out for your best interest. Maybe you feel uncomfortable going out with your father present, you could have another married couple, your brother, etc. chaperon your "date". What you shouldn't do is go out with your homegirl and her boyfriend and call them your chaperons. If they're not doing what they are supposed to be doing, how are they going to make sure that you are? Consider going to public places like restaurants, art exhibits, parks, places where you know other Muslims will be, etc.

We have to make sure that we think long term, dating is what we see everyday around us and it can be tempting. But in the long run you want to make sure you are doing things that are beneficial to you in this life and in the hereafter. The blessings that you will receive, inshallah, from doing things the right way will be well worth the wait.

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Asalaamu alaikum
Nadira
Muslimah2Muslimah

Questions to Ask your Potential Husband

This is a list of questions to ask your future spouse, you can pick and choose or ask them all. Also be prepared to answer many of these questions yourself. The most important thing is to be HONEST with yourself and with the brother, so that you both know what your getting into. Don't say yes of course I wear hijab if you don't because he's going to be looking at you crazy if your Not wearing it. KEEP IT 100%!!!!!!!

What are you expectations of marriage?
What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
What is the role of religion in your life now?
Are you a spiritual person?
What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?
Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?
What is the role of the husband?
What is the role of the wife?
Do you want to practice polygamy?
What is your relationship with your family?
What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
How did you get to know them?
Why are they your friends?
What do you like most about them?
What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
What is the level of your relationship with them now?
What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
What are the things that you do in your free time?
Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
Do you travel?
How do you spend your vacations?
How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
Do you read?
What do you read?
After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
Do you like to write your feelings?
If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?
How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
Do your friends use foul language?
Does your family use foul language?
How do you express anger?
How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
What do you do when you are angry?
When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
How do you support your own health and nutrition?
What is you definition of wealth?
How do you spend money?
How do you save money?
How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
Do you use credit cards?
Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
Do you support the idea of a working wife?
If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
Do you want to have children? If not, how come?
To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
Do you believe in abortion?
Do you have children now?
What is your relationship with your children now?
What is your relationship with their other parent?
What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
What is the best method(s) of raising children?
What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
How were you raised?
How were you disciplined?
Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
Do you believe in public school for your children?
Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?


Happy question asking!

Asalaamu alaikum
Nadira & Najwa
Muslimah2Muslimah

Muslimah Perspective: There aren't any good men out there!!

Salaams, darling! Meet your new co-wife!?!?!

Last night my hubby's friend came over for dinner and after the usual conversation and after-dinner tea, the friend wanted for hubby to go to a wedding to be a witness. I thought;






"A wedding??? At 11pm on a Tuesday???"






So hubby leaves the house with said friend and gets me thinking. What the heck is this man doing getting married at this ungodly hour on a whim? Now mind you, said groom-to-be already has two other wives. One over seas and the other here in the states, who lives with him. Okay, so my next question was;



"Are wife #1 and wife #2 aware of their beloved husband's decision to marry #3?"






Now my thing is this: Okay, we all know that a man can have up to four wives... however, this got me to thinking that some men really abuse this right. They fail to maintain some of these women in the right ways and they are always talking about looking for another wife. I may be wrong but I don't think that is right. How is a married man "looking" for another wife??? I thought that polygamy was a situation in which a man marries due to a circumstance in which there is a sister who may be widowed of divorced and has no money or place to go with her and her children. Or perhaps a woman who is interested in a married man and vice versa and the man decides to marry the woman because of his interest.

However, I doubt that a man who is constantly on the prowl for another woman is allowed in Islam. And another thing, some men even go so far as to hang out with and go on dates with different women with the excuse that they are allowed to have another wife, so why not get to know as many women as possible to look for the perfect #2, #3 or #4? To me, this behavior is absurd and trifling. I think that any man who has respect for his wife, children or himself would not carry on like some single non-Muslim teenager.

If my husband ever decided to go and get a second wife (which is highly doubtful), I would at least expect him to come to me and let me know about his decision... It's only right in my eyes... Anyhow, that's enough of MY ranting... What do YOU guys think?

As-Salaamu-Alaikum,

Najwa

***For the record we at Muslimah2Muslimah, belive that polygyny is sunnah and is a beautiful part of Islam, we are in no way saying that it shouldn't be praticed. The point here is that it would be nice to included in the process***

You're ready to get married... now what?

You have reached a point in your life were you've decided your ready to get married for the sake of Allah, alhumdulillah! Now the question is: How do you choose your husband? Well, first things first you have to know what you SHOULD be looking for in a husband.

I know so many sisters who have a very very very detailed list of what exactly they are looking for. These lists include info such as how much money he makes, what type of car he drives, what level of education he has, what type of house will he be able to buy her, will he be able to take her on vacations, will he provide her money to shop with, his nationality, his height, his hair, his skin color, the arch of his eyebrows, how big his ears are, if his 2nd toe is longer than the rest........okay I'm exaggerating a bit now. My point is so many times I see sisters put the emphasis of their search solely on the monetary aspects or they limit their options to doctors and lawyers. My dear sisters, you are doing yourself a great disservice if you approach you search for a husband focusing on material things. The Prophet (saw) said:

“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and character pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do
not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.”[Al-Tirmidhi]

Of course you want your husband to be able to provide for you because that is one of your rights, but more importantly you want to make sure that he is religious. You want to make sure that he is living every day for the sake of Allah. This is the type of man who you will want to spend the rest of your life with. This is the type of man who will encourage both success in this life and in the hereafter. If he does not have a lot of money, don't worry sisters. If you trust in Allah, he will provide. We know this from the following verse:

"If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All‑Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All‑Knowing (about the state of the
people)”[al-Noor 24:32]

Don't pass on a good brother because he's not "ballin" or "paid". With that said there is nothing wrong with wanting to marry a doctor, lawyer, etc. just make sure that is not #1 on your list of the ideal husband. Now if you find a doctor, lawyer, etc. who is pious and lives every day for the sake of Allah, please post where you found him and where other muslimahs should go for duplicates of him! LOL...just kidding.

To sum it all up sisters, seek a husband who puts his deen first and foremost in his life and then worry about everything else. If you do inshallah everything else will fall in to place. One last note is to broaden you search, you have plenty of options available to you! Look further than down the street and around the corner. You never know what city, state or country your future husband may be in or is from. I here sisters say there's no brothers out there, but there are plenty of Muslim men and you may want to consider being a co-wife (not for every sister, but it's a option). Inshallah, we will talk more about this in another blog.

As usual this is our viewpoint at M2M and we would love to her your opinion, feedback and suggestions.

As-salaamu alaikum!

Najwa&Nadira