Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Dating in Islam is an oxymoron, there is no such thing! It's like saying frozen hot chocolate. There are no boyfriends or girlfriends as far as Islam is concerned. This doesn't mean that it doesn't happen this just means that it shouldn't. So I know your like, if I can't date him how do I really get to know the brother that I want to marry?
Well I'm glad you asked, alhumdulilah Allah(swt) has given us guidelines to follow so that we can keep everything on a lawful note. So first things first make sure that you have your standards and know what you are willing to except in your mind first. If you meet a brother and he asks you for YOUR number, he might not be the brother for you. You want a brother who wants to do things the right way and has enough respect for you and himself from jump that he wouldn't even try you like that. It seems simple an innocent, just a phone conversation but even a conversation can lead you into things that you shouldn't do. You talk to the brother, you crack jokes, you start to feel comfortable with him and then he says "why don't we hang out and meet up sometime?". Now this can lead up to you spending time alone with him. If a brother is trying to spend time alone you, it's not a good look.
Whenever a man is alone with a women the shaytan makes the third. (Tirmidhi)
A Muslim man is still a man and eventually you may end up doing things that you know you shouldn't. Avoid this situation and you won't be tempted or end up making a decision that you regret. This is why you should have your Wali in place. Your Wali truly is your protection. If your a revert like me, your Wali can be your Imam or trusted brother in your community. He keeps that brother in line and makes sure that everything is done on the up and up.Not only that but we are women and once you start to like a brother you might catch feelings and not notice some of the red flags. Your Wali is looking out for your best interest and is not going to be blinded by how cute the brother is.
You can have a "sit down" with a brother with you Wali present and ask all of the very important questions(we posted a blog with plenty of questions to ask and questions that you should be prepared to answer). When you are asking these question make sure that you are being honest. This is your way of getting to know each other. Don't just say what you think the brother wants to hear. If he asks you if you can cook, don't say yes if can't even boil water! When you get married he's going to expect you to follow through on what you said. Don't say you wear overgarment and niqab if you don't because he's gonna want to know where all that is when you leave the house without hijab. Be honest so that both know what you are signing up for because once your married you have both signed on that dotted line.
Now if you want to have the "dating" experience you can out as long as you are chaperoned. This means you have your Wali present or someone who is looking out for your best interest. Maybe you feel uncomfortable going out with your father present, you could have another married couple, your brother, etc. chaperon your "date". What you shouldn't do is go out with your homegirl and her boyfriend and call them your chaperons. If they're not doing what they are supposed to be doing, how are they going to make sure that you are? Consider going to public places like restaurants, art exhibits, parks, places where you know other Muslims will be, etc.
We have to make sure that we think long term, dating is what we see everyday around us and it can be tempting. But in the long run you want to make sure you are doing things that are beneficial to you in this life and in the hereafter. The blessings that you will receive, inshallah, from doing things the right way will be well worth the wait.
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