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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Okay, So He's An Attractive, Single Muslim Brother...


I wonder if he is single or is he married? Is he a match for me? Wouldn't we make such a dashing Muslim couple!?!?


This a dilemma many single Muslimahs have quite often. However, society tells us that the man should approach the woman, or in Islamic standards, the Wali. What about the Muslimahs who spot a brother she is interested in? Do they just sit back and pray that he makes the move?


During the days of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), women approached men quite often for marriage. As a matter of fact, it is noted that when he was 25 years old, Muhammad (SAW)received a marriage proposal from a wealthy Meccan woman, Khadījah bint al-Khuwaylid, whose affairs he was conducting.


But nowadays it seems rather taboo for a sister to approach a brother regarding marriage. So, what is a sister to do???


What are YOUR opinions on this? Would you approach a brother you were interested in? If so, how would you go about doing it? Would you send your wali after him?

Asalaamu alaikum
Najwa & Nadira
Muslimah2Muslimah

30 comments:

  1. ummm if she is secure with herself (like Khadijah-may Allah be pleased with her) and wants to be married she'll take the proactive approach and take care of business. ciao

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  2. Okay... so is this something YOU would do? You would make the first move sister Basheera?

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  3. I don't know if I would, because I'm really really shy. :( But I don't see anything wrong with a confident sister letting him know that she is interested.

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  4. I would strongly advise my daughter and other young sisters to send the wali after the brother. This is 100% better than going behind your parents back and trying to handle this type of situation on your own. This is why in Islam you have a wali. A wali is a blessing and your right, don't overlook it.

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  5. Yes its true that Khadijkah proposed to our beloved messenger but We have to keep in mind that Prophet Muhammad was not any man and very few men possess such kindness. I think these days if a woman were to propose to a man she would have to put her reputation on the line and its quiet embarrassing if she is refused. That is why its best to let the men do the job. hehehehe.

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  6. looking for a compatible spouse is work. its a journey in and of itself. there is a beginning and, alhamdulillah, there is an end. that end result being the compatible spouse. i have initiated convo with prospective mates as did the prophet's own wife. she is a muslimah's greatest example. to this end, i experience no conflict by getting the ball rolling. however, because finding the right one is a comprehensive process, i find reward in utilizing my resources-- i.e., THE WALI among others. that is all for now :-) ciao

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  7. I agree with the anonymous comment send a Wali. They have your best interest at heart and inshallah things will work out.

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  8. I wouldn't exactly walk up to a brother(I'm way to shy to do so!). I would simply tell my Wali that I'm interested in someone and he would go and tell the brother.

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  9. I dont think I would speak to him directly. I would probably get my wali to find out more about him .

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  10. I would find out if any of my friends know him first. Get a little background before the formal set up but in a way that is less intimidating. I can only imagine that being approached by a Wali is very intimidating for a young man. Also if you talk to a friend first, you may avoid some embarrassment. Be awful to find out after setting up a meeting that he is a jerk or something. And since it was your idea and not his well that would be a bit embarrassing.

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  11. I feel that if the Prophet's wife(not wife yet but became to be) approached him, this can be looked at as an example to follow.How do we take this situation that was in the Quran? Do we take it as an example of one of the "Dont Do's" or use her example for someone we can follow? I must say that its hard to choose though, because we want to do whats right.

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  12. I would tell my wali (dad) to talk to the guy to start the process of learning about each other as potential partners. I see nothing wrong with it. InshaAllah, this is what I'll do in the future.

    So much emphasis is usually put on the brother asking the sister, but it's not something that is a big deal to me.

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  13. oooo, that is a tough question, I don't know if I could go after/send my wali after a brother. BUT, I definitely would not discourage a sister from doing it. I think if done islamically, there is nothing wrong with a sister about a brother.

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  14. Okay, it seems to be easy when U have a wali, but what can do a sis, who doesn't have the wali and is too shy to start first...? That's a prob...
    Nour

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  15. I've done both approaches with the intention to seek out a mate. My wali really didn't appreciate me seeking out a brother independently. And, I must admit I was being impatient and was acting out on emotions and not logic. Allah is in control of everything and we should seek his guidance for all things. With that said I don't believe that it is incorrect to approach a brother to ask if he is married. But, it is best to have your wali approach the brother so that the sister have someone that will be able to protect her from any fitnah.

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  16. Im Palestinian Arab, and If I ever mentioned to my family that I was interested in a guy, they would most likely kill me. lol. No way that I can do this, even if I had the confidence to do it.

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  17. Since I am the ONLY Muslim in my ENTIRE family and I saw a brother that I wanted to marry --- I'd go to my Wali's (which would be my best friend and her husband) and tell them about the guy. And if I knew for sure he was single and I saw him on campus, I'd proably just go talk to the dude!

    I think it's funny when girls get so shy around men! He's not a God, he's a human, and puts his pants on one leg at a time (like me).

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  18. Ohhh...sure...if I knew him well enough.

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  19. I am facing this myself.... NOW... heh...

    Okay... I did confess to him... THRU EMAIL though. I cant seems to face him after tat. n yeap.. i did told him that im putting our friendship at risk for the confession.

    My mistake was, assumption. I dunno abt his feelings for me. I assume he hasnt any for me. N judging from his taste of gals.... Im way tooo different from them. N yeap.. I told him tat i'll try to forget him. I felt weird abt my whole feelings for him. As he has feelings 4 my friend. My friend ignored him.. n i confessed to him instead. Despite knowing my feelings for him, I tried to help him to get to know my fren better who was his classmate bck in high sch.

    Now, after half a year, I cant seems to forget him. It hurts.. A LOT. I always seek for Allah's guidance. I hope, if hes fated to be mine, Allah combines our heart n if hes not, hopefully Allah distance him away frm me. But yeap... the more i tried pushing him away frm my heart, the deeper he goes in.

    We rarely chat n we dun meet at all after the confession but, hes still in my heart. It hurts badly... Really hope that Allah will help me thru out. Wallahua'lam....

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  20. I'm going through this now. There's a brother I'm interested in, and I think he's interested in me too, but we only talk online from time to time cause I moved out of my hometown. I'm not sure if its a good idea to send my wali after him now or wait until I move back (and risk the chance of him getting married to another sister). Any sort of advice would be appreciated.

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  21. If your are interested in a brother and your intentions are sincere, dont sit back and expect someone else to do it for you! approach the brother and be proactive! Tell him upfront you are interested and dont play games! If you know the brother, its best a wali approaches him.. if you dont know the brother and you see someone nice and have to make a move..be the first to go up and be proactive! rejection doesnt matter, self confidence is what matters and wanting the best for yourself! Its not being "fast"or forward, it is merely seeing someone you like and being proactive! dont go up to the brother and chit chat, be modest and sincere! Find a way to strike inteligent conversation with him and find ut more of him, instead of just going up and saying im interested in marrying you! once you get his name, ask around about him and tell your wali you are interestd in this brother, if your wali does nothing..thinkg clearly and logically and approach the bro yourself!

    Just be honest and sincere, Allah will guide you! I found a guy who I absolutely loved, I remained logical and sincere, striked up intelligent conversations with him, took it in my own hands and today I am married to him and happy! If you dont make your life, no one else will seriously! No one knows what you like and want, except you!!

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  22. Bleh, I did this. I thought I was doing the right thing b/c I was following the example of Khadijah (rah). But, my father let me know that if that if a woman did this in Syria, she would be killed.

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  23. Bismillah

    I think many of you could really benefit from our work at www.practimate.com

    The issue of how to get married, who should speak,how to do it the right way, has been a theme of our most recent webinars.

    And one of the things I've been teaching is how to speak to a brother when you DO finally get the conversations for marriage that will allow you to express yourself in a way that makes sense to HIM and what he is looking for (because today, many sisters have a tendacy to say things that turns him off totally without knowing what went wrong.)

    I did a program also about 3 critical mistakes a single muslimah makes when finding her mr. right, and so forth.

    It would be great for all of you to check out the webiste.

    Your discussion generated here is wonderful, and the thought process is common all across the "Western Muslim community."

    Get on our interest list via Facebook if you want so you can get information about resources that can be of beenfit to you in the marriage process. :)

    Jazakum Allahu Khairan to the admins for starting this thread.

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  24. Hi Muslimah2muslimah,
    I'm an 18 year old girl from Belgium, Europe. For my religion courses I have to talk about marriage and dating in the Islam. I found one of your video's on youtube and I'm wondering if you could tell what the rules are on dating and why online-dating is so popular in the Islam. I'm looking for opinions from a womens point if view.
    Thanks! :)
    Greets Jacoba

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  25. As I read some of the comments, it entered my mind to share an article related to this topic.
    Read about Boy/Girl relationships on http://caliph.wordpress.com/articles/boy-girl/

    It's in the comments area that I realised many muslims still have limited understanding about realtionships. Allah knows best.

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  26. This post really helped me, as I liked a Muslim boy I know enough to wonder if I could ask him to marry me. I actually gathered enough courage to explain how I felt (as I already had an idea that he liked me also).

    However, after I had made that admission, I started feeling uncomfortable as he: (1) asked to see my hair (I said NO WAY) and (2) he kept trying to express my feelings and say things which I never would. he said that I must, in order that other people would know how i felt.

    So i broke it off and told him that if he truly cared, he would never tell me to abandon my Islamic principles or to make me change who i intrinsically am.

    So my advice would be to make sure that that Muslim brother is who he appears to be, does not make you uncomfortable and respects you for your choices....and of course consult with your elders AND BELIEVE IN ALLAH. Thank you M2M for an amazing site. Allah knows best.

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  27. I met my husband by sending him a card with my fathers number on it. he knew who i was, and I knew he was flattered. I was not just impressed by his deen, but by his great character and the way he carried himself. We talked for 4 months, and 5 years later and excepting our first child we are going strong. Do not be scared of rejection sister or being seen improper. Send the brother to your wali.

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  28. I think you should get your dad or wali to go to him impersonally so you can get a jist of what hes like without putting ur rep on the line. This intresting story happened where a girl really liked this revert brother always thiknin of him, but she didn tell him. then 2 months later he was married in new york she was SAD!! but it turned out to be that he had opposing islamic beliefs to her anyway. If she had pursued him she would've been rejected beacuse of it and worse. So sometimes it better to get over it or send a wali not yourself lol

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  29. As a brother I would suggest to first consider how kind natured your wali is. If he has a rigid nature about such things, it would be best to avoid asking him at all unless you know for sure that the brother in question is honorably known to your wali (friend of the family for example). If this is not the case, go through trustworthy believers who may know him, whom you feel comfortable talking to about him concerning a potential match (i.e. easy going so they will not judge you). If it all checks out positively, have THEM recommend him to your wali on your behalf. In this way, you will not only avoid the embarassment of rejection, but also the scorn that may result from brothers and sisters who may see you as shameless.

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